My
last post introduced the Christmas theme and it won’t let me go. So here’s
another one. While that one talked of
the wide-spread and heart-breaking practice of abortion in the context of
Christmas, this one deals with an equally wide-spread and heart-breaking
practice, namely that of divorce in the context of Christmas. These
are two practices that the church
of Christ has for
centuries opposed, rejected, but which, due to the influence of secularism on
the minds of many Christians, have become common among Christians, acceptable
even to many of them. Many are no longer
shocked by these practices. After all, many people do them. My own extended
family has been afflicted by it and it has produced deep and hurtful emotions.
There’s
this weekly “Parent Trap” in the Vancouver
Sun. On December 16, a divorced mother explained that her son wants his
father to be invited to their family Christmas dinner. She commented, “I’m not
sure that I am comfortable with this idea. I don’t want to tear my family apart
–Boer: You guys have already done that, “mother!”—but I’m not sure I could
handle his presence at the table. What should I do?”
As
the column works, readers respond to these traps under the rubric, “Your Two
Cents.” In this case, both respondents are women. One wrote,
My daughter and (ex) son-in-law each attend one major family
celebration per year—he comes to Thanksgiving at our place, and she goes to
Christmas with his folks. This is to ensure that the children know they still
have a family, and that both parents will always take care of the children’s
needs. The parents never ever allow
their own tensions to intrude on the children, and neither to either set of
in-laws—we all suck it up because it’s for the children.
Another
woman wrote,
Their lives have been shattered by a family split up and you
need to get over yourself. There will be many birthdays, graduations and
wedding when you will need to show a united front and put your children’s
feelings and desires first. I am 60 and
still suffer from the effects of my parents’ inability to come together for me
even on my wedding day (italics mine).
Then
the columnist herself, Michele Kambolis, a family therapist, chimes in. I quote
selectively: “While there are no magical formulas for celebrating the holidays
after a divorce, we know the goal is and should always be putting the needs of
children at the forefront.” She then offers
a few suggestions as the standards to be upheld.
The
first of these is that for the sake of the children, “you and your ex are
working together and are on good terms.”
If doing the Christmas thing together is too much for you to begin with,
for this year invite “your ex-husband over for a pre-dinner visit, a coffee, or
even dessert,” something that “is easier to digest than a long drawn-out
dinner.” Whether the pun is intended or not, I do not know. Whatever arrangement you concoct, “reassure
your son that holiday celebrations will continue, but they may not always look
the same.” Be sure to avoid “holiday
competition” when it comes to gift giving.
You should consider buying gifts together and “focus on your time
together rather than time apart and stick to your agreements.”
Keep this in your mind and heart; you have the strength,
flexibility and wisdom to carry you and your children through the many changes
ahead. The holidays will come and go…, but with this perspective you can clear
the emotional space to make wise and compassionate decisions for years to come.
The
thing that stands out in the comments of all three women is the importance of
putting your children’s welfare and happiness before everything else. If you have decided voluntarily to have a
family, you have given up the right to put your own happiness ahead of that of
your children.
Even
if the child is not the result of your voluntary decision, you need to think
seriously about its welfare. That child, born under whatever circumstances,
bears God’s image and as such s(he) has the God-given right to your love and a
wholesome upbringing that will not leave her/him suffering from emotional scars
you have inflicted on her/him. As God got
over Himself with regard to us in our sinfulness and gave us Jesus, so He
expects you to get over yourself and give both yourself and Jesus to your
children.
That is the image of God in you as a
parent.
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